I’d started to get fed up of watching you
You’d come back from school
and sit for hours in your room
headphones blocking out all sound,
things to change.
I wanted to be heard.
So I told you
That I couldn’t take it anymore
I’ve had enough of being ignored all day
I won’t put up with this any longer, mister
You change or I’ll make the changes for you
No expression from you.
I was furious, you needed to see my ANGER,
And then you burst into tears
Good, I thought, Some emotion at last
And then your breath came out in short bursts
Maybe, I thought, this was your mask beginning to fall away
I held onto my anger strongly.
Then you started to shake
Your jaws and fists clenched
Eyes unblinking, face burning with pins and needles
thousands of them stabbing all over your body
‘I’ your words struggling to leave your exhausted mouth
What was wrong with you?
My anger wasn’t as bad as my mother’s
She was critical, furious, aggressive…
But how would you know I was not as bad as my mother?
And here I stood infront of you, no different to her
but maybe worse,
I held your shaking body.
While you had built a cocoon of safety
I had dragged you outside
stretched your curled body until you broke
The promise I made to never let any hurt touch your soft newborn self
And all because I couldn’t see
That it was me that needed to